– – – – – – FEAR – – – – – –
We all experience an element of fear in our lives. From stage fright to job interviews. I compare it to a nagging kid, pulling at you trousers “Emmmmmmm”….. The only way to make them (it) quite, is say go away, can’t bribe, run or shout, will only bring brief respite until it starts again, pulling at puppet strings and effecting the actions made. I often found “simple” tasks difficult, like going back to school after holidays out of fear it would be different, or walking down the street worried about seeing someone I knew….”what if they say hi?” “what do I say back?”. As I had undertaken Summer Uni at Aberystwyth, Business IT and marketing seemed like an easier option, to going through numerous interviews for a job I didn’t know I wanted. Tried running away with regular trips home, but would take the worry with me, clinging and draining me like a leach! Has taken a lot to get to where I am, but worth the fight.
“The brave may not live forever – but the cautious do not live at all!” Richard Branson.
I found inspiration in Richard Bransons’ – Business Stripped Bare Adventures of an Entrepreneur at a very young age, as it showed what we want can be achieved, with hard work and being brave.
– – – – – – – ANGER – – – – – – –
In my experience anger is a reaction either immediately/ repressed, based on another action/ feeling. Maybe due to being told what to do, scared of the unknown, stressed out and under pressure, or someone saying/ doing something we disagree with and only feel this can be expressed by acting out. At least it gets noticed right? Not like being quiet in the corner, hiding afraid to take a risk. When observing the world, can see it is stressed out, resorting in resentment, jealousy, selfish thoughts all leading to an unhappy existence. One of fear, anger, pain and violence. Personally, I have struggled mostly with people, as lived in a box, being the joker and had visions of rejection and judgement. So would resent others success over focusing on making my own, as didn’t think any of my crazy dreams were possible. This leading to a slippery slope of feeling alone (even with many around), anxiety, depression, hair loss, weight gain due to excess food and alcohol and no drive or motivation.
“It took a look in the mirror to realise what I saw. It took an action that was different to that of before. Change is inevitable, so might as well embrace it, don’t get angry or resent others, decide what your dream is and chase it”
– – – – – – – PAIN – – – – – – –
I believe we judge others out of fear that we are being judged ourselves. Maybe it is simply a differing opinion that we need to accept, remaining open minded to variations in the world. Letting our own disappointments and pain take over, it can get too far, where we don’t feel worthy of a friendship or love. Feeling guilty about something that isn’t our fault or not achieving what we set out to do, due to personal interpretation of what is accepted.
“You fight about money, bout me and my brother. And this I come home to, this is my shelter. It ain’t easy growin up in World War III, Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see. I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family” PINK family portrait
– – – – – – LOVE – – – – – –
Once we learn about what we love and act on it, we can love ourselves so others have a chance. Can’t love anyone, or expect them to love us, if not happy in our own skin and blame everything around us, for the problems we ignore inside ourselves. Sometimes when we are hurt it’s because we love it and this causes pain leading to anger. Tap in to this, realise where your heart lies and accept any consequences – worry, hurt, fear of loss. Also if we give off positive vibes, love and respect we will get this back in return attracting more to ourselves. Plus, can be more susceptible to opportunities and embracing change rather than avoiding.
“anger is over pain, pain over love, can you see past the rain and be my white dove” Darling Emily Farr
PERSONAL TURNING POINT
From a slippery slope, to business founder, singer/ songwriter.
Camp America opened my eyes to the world I wanted, of dreams and goals, not the one I feared, risks and failure. I then knew it would take ME to make anything happen. Just no point waiting for something and blaming others or regretting when it was not there. Got to step up and face the fight! Walk the path towards a goal and succeed step at a time!
Music was my solace from a young age, listening and reading lyrics all the time to escape the “real” world. It helped me sleep and during Camp America my MP3 player provided relief from the 14 hour shifts and angry chef. I realised that I could handle getting my first flight, to a new country and stay there for 7 weeks on my own. Make friends, whilst working in a fast pace environment and best of all, just be myself. With free time spent dreaming about the future I wanted. There where less distractions – not old enough to drink, no Facebook and no TV! And no negative comments or thoughts repeating, “wont make money in that” “why do you want to do music”, “whats the point in holding gigs” “get a real job”. It gave me the chance to believe, not only in the idea, but in myself, bringing out a new found confidence and motivation. Missing my guitar I bought one in America, which reminded me of the passion I had for music enhancing the need and want to run Aber Live well ( a society I became president of for 3rd year of Uni) and of course face the stage.
A new found control with running Aber Live events and managing the committee, I found me again. Playing and writing provided a place to express the feelings and the words I can’t normally say. I can sing about the pain I hold in, the fear I fight everyday. Stage fright an obvious occurrence, that took a while for me to fully face. But the challenge accepted and hope stronger. I shall always keep trying as it’s “Better to try and fail than to not try at all”. I have also seen and worked with a lot of fantastic people through Aber Live and Rewired Music, so have been inspired to pursue my own music and further inspire others.
“The unexpected can often be better than we planned,
our mind creates expectations of future situations then we find.
That what happens. It may actually be,
better, just must be seen differently.
Without thought, fiction, we are stepping up to the plate,
fighting not running from false fear we create, to escape,
having excuses, to avoid awkward mistake.”